I’ve been broken and beaten. Lost and confused. Failed and mistaken. But I’m not yet down for the count because there is always hope. This is a short blog series for me to release of my thoughts and emotions in one of the most trying times in my life. The last days of growing up and the culminating everything I’ve learned from it.

Part 1: I’m in a War Available Here

Part 2: Of Good Men and Monsters Available Here

Hope Part 3: The Constant Failure

I’ve had dreams, and I try and I try, but I can’t seem to succeed. I wonder why I keep trying when I just fail. Everything I try to do just seems to fall apart. I can barely get by on my own. I hate this feeling, the feeling like I’m the constant failure.

The dreams I’ve had of being a great filmmaker. Of being a great artist. Of being an amazing fitness instructor. I try, but my films never turns out the way I want. My art is no where close to what others out there do. I struggled my way through my training as a fitness instructor.

I doubt myself. I don’t think I can do it. When I do this I can’t. It’s creative block, and it’s nervousness, it’s that freezing up feeling you get when your scared to death of how it’s all gonna turn out. It trying so hard, but I’m scared. I’m scared I can’t do this. I’m scared I’ll spend the rest of my life trying. I’m scared that I will never reach my dreams.

Confidence is hard to come by. Hope is hard to have in a world that will always put you down. I’ve never had anybody give me support. I’ve never had anyone give me a chance. Nobody seemed to believe in me. If they don’t why should I? If everyone else expects me to fail I guess I will do just that. Or maybe not.

I was a crappy student through high school and grade school, mostly just getting by. None of my teachers ever expected me to do any better than sub par. I was ignored, and I was left alone, and left out. My friends never wanted me on their teams. It was a miserable life for a kid that didn’t understand. I wasn’t expected to fail, but I was never expected to succeed. The impact of that as a kid was devastating. I grew up expecting to fail at everything I did, but I’ve only recently realized how wrong that was. I’m not a failure.

I’m talented. I’m very talented, and I’m strong. I’m driven. I may fail often, but I never give up, and I keep on trying. And as I grow stronger, and more confident I’m starting to succeed. I’m starting to shine brighter than anybody who ever ignored me would believe. Not to say I don’t fail sometimes, but what I’ve learned is that failing is a part of life. I don’t know who said it first, but I heard it in an art class with one of the greatest teachers I’ve ever had. What he told us was “fail often to succeed more frequently.” Or something like that. So many failures in my life and I’ve kept on going and now I’m starting to succeed.

I can do amazing art. I can squat more than triple my own body weight. I’m not weak, and I’m gaining skills that I never would have thought I could do. Skills like learning quickly, coaching a class, talking to girls (oh yeah), being a leader, being a friend, jumping head first into an adventure. Farming, like driving a huge frikkin’ tractor, that one is new (teaser for the next blog). To think that I was once the shy guy in the back of class.

I’m becoming someone amazing and capable. I thank God for the blessings he’s given me, and I know I was made to do something great one day. I think everyone is, and I wish everyone could start living like this. Living with hope in the future because we all are so much more talented and capable than we think we are, and I will not give up, because I may be a constant failure, but only through failure can we begin to truly shine, and I’m so ready to shine.

I’ve been broken and beaten. Lost and confused. Failed and mistaken. But I’m not yet down for the count cause there is always hope. This is the release of my thoughts and emotions in one of the most trying times in my life. The last days of growing up and culminating everything I’ve learned from it.

Part 1: I’m in a War Available Here

Hope Part 2: Of Good Men and Monsters

I don’t know if it’s true that nice guys always finish last, but it feels like it sometimes. Then again maybe I’m not a nice guy. Maybe I’m a monster. I don’t always feel like a good man. I screw up. I make mistakes. I’m drawn into temptations and evil desires. I try to do what’s right. I try to be a good man, but it’s so hard to always be good when it so easy to get tripped up or distracted.

To the standards of the world I’m sure I would be considered a pretty darn good man, but those are not my standards. I don’t compare myself to others. Others always seem to let me down. They are not as strong or perfect as I had thought. And really we’re all only human, but I find I have to be my own kinda role model. I wish to live up to my Lord’s standards. I wish to be as perfect as I can, but I am pulled in by greed, selfishness, lust, anger, and laziness.

It so easy to want and be selfish. Not want to help others, and just want for myself. There are desires that I can’t seem to help. I could blame it on age, being young, stupid, and crazy. Or the world that doesn’t help with all the things they flash in front of us all. Like it should be normal to have lust, but I don’t want to be normal if that is the case. I don’t want to listen to what society says. I learn to control my desires and control my anger. Patience and drive. That helps me to not get lazy, and not fall victim to the sins that would bring me down. Nothing is made easy, but it does make it possible.

I’ve heard it said everybody had their own demons or has a monster in them. I don’t believe this. I believe we are the demons and the monsters. We may be tempted, but our sins are our own. I’m not gonna blame them on something else. I choose to sin, and I choose to fail. I can’t always control the temptations, but I should be able to control my actions. It frustrates me when I can’t seem to help it. Being a good man even when nobody is watching. Living life for others and doing the right thing even when nobody will ever know. For no benefit of my own. The question must be asked who am I when nobody sees.

It’s so hard to fight something that isn’t just there, but is you. I feel like it tears me apart. I want to be good. I want to live my life right, but I am so drawn into the bad. It’s my own private war. There is no serenity when you can’t be one or the other. Though I can’t give up the fight. I won’t give up the fight. I desire to be better. As said in Ephesians 4:23-24 “Now your attitudes and thoughts must be constantly changing for the better. Yes, you must be a new person, holy and good. Clothe yourself with new nature.”

I believe in a God of transformations. Though we may be monster he can make us stronger. I seek out the power of grace and forgiveness. I rise up from the ashes of my own ruins. I will work for perfection. Keeping my actions and my thoughts pure. Though I fail frequently I find hope in a future with a God who make me better. And maybe it’s not about who finishes first or last. It’s about who can finish at all without giving up the morals and honestly claim being a good man and a nice guy.

Part 3: The Constant Failure Available Here

I’ve been broken and beaten. Lost and confused. Failed and mistaken. But I’m not yet down for the count because there is always hope. This is a short blog series for me to release of my thoughts and emotions in one of the most trying times in my life. The last days of growing up and the culminating everything I’ve learned from it.

Hope Part 1: I’m in a War

There is a war in my head I can’t seem to avoid. A war that tears my mind apart. I’m struggling to get by. I’m struggling to try. I feel like a failure and I feel like a monster. It’s impossible to focus when you’re in a constant battle with yourself.

I try to be a good man. I try to do what is right, but there are temptations and evil desires that draw me off course. I don’t always feel like a good man. Sometimes I feel like a monster. Sometimes I just want to give up. Sometimes I just want to screw everything I stand for, and enjoy a simpler life, but I can’t. I won’t let myself be that way.

I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I’ve failed often, and every time I do I feel like I have to restart back where I began. I can’t seem to ever get it right. I make it a week and I screw up. I repent my sinful ways and start again. The cycle continues.

So many pressures on my life. People and needs. I try to put my trust in a God who I thought was supposed to help me. I cry out for help. I need a job. I’m running out of options. I have applied to over 200 jobs in the last month and I haven’t had any luck with any of them. I don’t want to go home. I’m just trying to grow up, but all I feel I’m doing is digging deeper into this pit.

I wish I wasn’t so lonely. There’s nobody I feel like I can talk to. I don’t know how to say it. I want to, but I can’t. And everyone has there own problems. Why would they want to be burdened with mine. I know there are people who care, but I can’t seem to tell them that I’m broken.

I’ve wanted to run. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want comfort. I just want to escape, but I can’t. There are things like this and the time is right now that I must stand my ground. Fight the temptations and fight the feelings. Fight the war that rages in my head. I’m not weak and I’m not a quitter, but I haven’t had a moments rest in over 3 months. It’s constant pressure till my brain wants to burst. But I will not surrender cause I’m a survivor. I won’t be defeated.

If this is my path to never succeed and always be drowning I accept it. I will fight the monster that is me. I will fight for what is right and I will continue to try. I will pick myself back up after every failure. I will not let laziness get the best of me. I’m not down and out, not now and not ever. The Lord is on my side and where ever I may wander and whatever trials I may face I will continue on, for there is always hope.

Part 2: Of Good Men and Monsters Available Here

This journey has been filled with heartbreak, shattered dreams, loss, sickness, trials, challenges, frequent hopelessness, poverty, failures, and just an absolute wreck of a life. It’s been a long hard road, but I’ve learned more from my struggles and gone through more in the past two years than the first 20. The journey began with a girl and a car wreck, and through her I learned how to live like I should, and without her I learned how to live my own life. More heartbreak taught me to move on and to let go. A church taught me how to believe. A broken car taught me how to have faith. Sickness taught me to fight, and recovery taught me how be push myself. A fried computer taught me how to pick myself up again. A friend taught me how to enjoy life. School taught how to work hard. Failed dreams taught me to be patient. A car wreck taught me to live my beliefs, and seeing it through taught how to do for myself. Training taught me to be confident. Poverty taught me to be thankful for the things I have. And all these challenges have served to make me stronger and I’ve learned to love the life I live. And the Lord taught me to live by greater standards and to be the person I want to be by loving others and always ready to serve. (All of these are longer stories for another time that I someday would like to tell.)

The story of me isn’t easy. Though I doubt anybody’s story is easy, maybe easier or maybe harder, but it’s what I walked away from and what I gained from the struggles. I gained a strength like I’ve never had before. I asked many times why me. Why did I have to be so strong. When the trials came I used to run and over the past 2 years I wanted to run so many times. I questioned, and I feared maybe I wasn’t strong enough. I may not have been, but I made it through and I’m stronger now. Though I sometimes wondered why me I know two things. I know my Lord has a plan for my life (known from Jeremiah 29:11). I can see how he’s been building me. Made me stronger mental, physically, and spiritually. He’s made me confident, given me talents, given me leadership, made me unbreakable. I don’t know what his plan is, but I know he’s made me and continues to make me so I’ll be ready for whatever when the time comes.

The other thing I know is that I asked for this. I made a commitment to try and live my life for God the night before everything started, and I watched that car wreck unknown to me that I would meet that girl there who’d start this journey, and that it would change my life. I asked God to make me strong. And I asked him to take everything if it would make me stronger and it was his will. I said even with nothing I would keep living for him. Well he answered my prayers by ruining my life. I may be an idiot for asking for that, but I wouldn’t have it any other way now. I wasn’t ready then to fully commit to this life, but I wanted to. I don’t know why, but wanted to. I don’t know how I manage the past two years, but only by the hand of God. So many times I wanted to give up living this life for him, but something always brought me back, kept me on the path. I screwed up and I’ve made mistakes. I’m anything but perfect, but now I want to be perfect. I’m likely to fail time and time again cause being perfect is an impossible challenge. What’s also impossible is the shy scared little boy whom I once was becoming who I am now, and who I know I’m gonna become. I aim to do the impossible. This is my public commitment. I don’t want a girl. I don’t want money. I don’t want glory. I just want to be right by my Lord. My Lord Jesus Christ who died on the cross for my sins. I live by an impossible standard and when I fall I pick myself back up and keep trying to live by it. I’ll take the strength I’ve been given and the talents I’ve learned and use them for his glory. I am a young and stubborn strong man and I am a soldier in the Army of the Lord.

Watch the Vlog (even though it’s not as good).

Thankyou to everyone who’s been there in my life and supported me. You all mean a lot to me. And to my greatest support my Lord.

To be continued…

This is my last day of break, though I didn’t do or accomplish all the awesome things I was planning I did succeed at making progress. Now that the new year comes around I’m making a resolution, a resolution to be awesome.
Maybe it’s cliche, but whatever. I’m gonna be awesome this year. I’m gonna do all the things I’ve been wanting. I’m gonna write my scripts, make my movies, do my martial arts, improve with the guitar, and have a grand adventure. I’ve heard it said many time that there is no time like the present, well why not right now. It’s perfect right on the cusp of the new year, 2011. This is going to be a great year, I know it. For one my lucky number is 11. The other reason is I know my path and if I don’t succeed this year I’ll be just one more step closer. The fact of the matter is I’m gonna try and if trying is all I can do fine, better to have failed trying than not to have tried at all. I’m certainly gonna shoot for something great and hey I got a whole nother year right.
I’ll say it now and I will say it again I’m gonna do something awesome. I feel confident, I feel strong, I feel more alive. I’m saying goodbye to 2010 and bring on 2011. It’s gonna be one heck of an awesome year. Lets all be awesome.

Goals for the Year
Get my blue belt in Jiu Jitsu
3 day minimum wilderness survival trip
At least one short film
Finishing and pitching a TV pilot
Writing at least one spec script
Design something fantastic (by fantastic I mean marketable)
Be able to play Guitar with relative skill

“We Gotta Get Out of this Place” by The Animals
“Kiss a Girl” by Keith Urban
“Take It Easy” by The Eagles
“Carry on Wayward Son” by Kansas

So something I had planned to do is blog more, but I’m super busy, I know you understand, but here I am blogging… more. Every week I have a system, I do this, I do that. I have every moment down, every minute accounted for, but I always manage to screw it up or something comes along and does that for me. My week usually contains about 4 workout classes and 2 martial arts classes and I would do more, but school made it difficult. Now that school is out I had the intend of doing about 6 workout classes and 6 martial arts class. Hard work you may say, but not to me. I’m a big bundle of energy. When I don’t get my workouts I lose my mind and I didn’t get my workouts last week, only cause I was coughing up a lung. My throat has been killing me this past week. I still made it to 2 BodyCombat classes where I took it easy, so it wasn’t completely workoutless. The real issue is missing Jiu Jitsu last week cause of my throat and finals and I’m missing it again this week.

Truth is when I don’t get to roll around with other sweaty guys I start to get really grouchy and aggravated. Martial arts and grappling serve as my stress release. Win or loss these guys become like my brothers. It doesn’t matter if they are my best friends and I’ve known them for what seems like forever or some guy I met one minute ago, on the mats or rug there’s nothing but the fight. It’s not a competition, it’s an experience, it’s getting and getting out of chokeholds, armbars, legbars, it’s learning new things and getting stronger and better.

It’s hard to explain the feeling, but the best way I see is to think of something you love doing and how it makes you feel. And I’m not just talking something you enjoy, but something that is like fate when you do it. It’s the thing when you discover it is like the very fiber of your being, the thing you do that you know you were supposed to do beyond a shadow of a doubt. That’s what I’ve found.

This whole week has been the hardest week I’ve ever had in a long time, when I can’t do the thing I love doing I go kinda crazy. I’m out again from going to Jiu Jitsu cause I think I have pink eye and don’t want to expose the guys and my throat cold still making it a bit hard. I have a friend who’s awesome, Adam and he’s a martial artist, black belt in Taekwondo. We love doing Jiu Jitsu together and he’s the one person I connect with best cause he gets what Jiu Jitsu is. Even with the risk of pink eye we grappled, not much and just for fun, but it was enough for me. When it comes down to it this is my life now, I’m a martial artist and I was always meant to be.

My goal for martial arts over the winter break is to get myself trained further in this art, working towards my blue belt. Soon as my cold and pink eye goes away I’ll be back in the gyms working out almost every day of the week, not because I want to be awesome (but that’s a fine reason), but because I love this and I want to be the best I can be.

What that means is I have 23 days left to do something amazing. And I don’t mean to say when winter break is over I can’t still do something amazing. What it means is I have 23 days before returning to busy work again (AKA College). So if I’m going to do something big now is the time. And I am going to do something big because I’m supposed to. I don’t know what yet, but everybody is just gonna have to wait and see. Trust me, I have a plan.

I know it’s time for me to truly grow up. I’m clashing with the things that make me a kid and the things that make me an adult. I’ve gone through more in one year than I have in 21 years of life. I’ve had my heart broken several times, almost died on multiple occasions for multiple reasons, and discovered the true meaning of crazy. I’ve had the best of times, and the worst of times, and I’ve grown stronger mentally and physically. Change is the keyword. I’m not the same person I was one year ago and it shows when I return to places and things that were once familiar. It’s been a little over one year since the greatest moment of my life. The moment I realized I had a destiny and I had a God who was guiding me (that’s all a long story for when I have more time to tell it). But in short it was my kickstart to a new life.

I don’t know where my path will lead or which road to take, but everything happens for a reason and I may, no, I will go through trials and God knows I have, but I’m still changing and I’m ready for whatever life has in store for me. So let the winter break begin.

-Dan