Prelude to Hope:
I’ve been broken and beaten. Lost and confused. Failed and mistaken. But I’m not yet down for the count because there is always hope. This is a short blog series for me to release of my thoughts and emotions in one of the most trying times in my life. The last days of growing up and the culminating everything I’ve learned from it.
Part 1: I’m in a War Available Here
Part 2: Of Good Men and Monsters Available Here
Hope Part 3: The Constant Failure
I’ve had dreams, and I try and I try, but I can’t seem to succeed. I wonder why I keep trying when I just fail. Everything I try to do just seems to fall apart. I can barely get by on my own. I hate this feeling, the feeling like I’m the constant failure.
The dreams I’ve had of being a great filmmaker. Of being a great artist. Of being an amazing fitness instructor. I try, but my films never turns out the way I want. My art is no where close to what others out there do. I struggled my way through my training as a fitness instructor.
I doubt myself. I don’t think I can do it. When I do this I can’t. It’s creative block, and it’s nervousness, it’s that freezing up feeling you get when your scared to death of how it’s all gonna turn out. It trying so hard, but I’m scared. I’m scared I can’t do this. I’m scared I’ll spend the rest of my life trying. I’m scared that I will never reach my dreams.
Confidence is hard to come by. Hope is hard to have in a world that will always put you down. I’ve never had anybody give me support. I’ve never had anyone give me a chance. Nobody seemed to believe in me. If they don’t why should I? If everyone else expects me to fail I guess I will do just that. Or maybe not.
I was a crappy student through high school and grade school, mostly just getting by. None of my teachers ever expected me to do any better than sub par. I was ignored, and I was left alone, and left out. My friends never wanted me on their teams. It was a miserable life for a kid that didn’t understand. I wasn’t expected to fail, but I was never expected to succeed. The impact of that as a kid was devastating. I grew up expecting to fail at everything I did, but I’ve only recently realized how wrong that was. I’m not a failure.
I’m talented. I’m very talented, and I’m strong. I’m driven. I may fail often, but I never give up, and I keep on trying. And as I grow stronger, and more confident I’m starting to succeed. I’m starting to shine brighter than anybody who ever ignored me would believe. Not to say I don’t fail sometimes, but what I’ve learned is that failing is a part of life. I don’t know who said it first, but I heard it in an art class with one of the greatest teachers I’ve ever had. What he told us was “fail often to succeed more frequently.” Or something like that. So many failures in my life and I’ve kept on going and now I’m starting to succeed.
I can do amazing art. I can squat more than triple my own body weight. I’m not weak, and I’m gaining skills that I never would have thought I could do. Skills like learning quickly, coaching a class, talking to girls (oh yeah), being a leader, being a friend, jumping head first into an adventure. Farming, like driving a huge frikkin’ tractor, that one is new (teaser for the next blog). To think that I was once the shy guy in the back of class.
I’m becoming someone amazing and capable. I thank God for the blessings he’s given me, and I know I was made to do something great one day. I think everyone is, and I wish everyone could start living like this. Living with hope in the future because we all are so much more talented and capable than we think we are, and I will not give up, because I may be a constant failure, but only through failure can we begin to truly shine, and I’m so ready to shine.
