Hope Blog Series:
I’ve been broken and beaten. Lost and confused. Failed and mistaken. But I’m not yet down for the count cause there is always hope. This is the release of my thoughts and emotions in one of the most trying times in my life. The last days of growing up and culminating everything I’ve learned from it.
Part 1: I’m in a War Available Here
Hope Part 2: Of Good Men and Monsters
I don’t know if it’s true that nice guys always finish last, but it feels like it sometimes. Then again maybe I’m not a nice guy. Maybe I’m a monster. I don’t always feel like a good man. I screw up. I make mistakes. I’m drawn into temptations and evil desires. I try to do what’s right. I try to be a good man, but it’s so hard to always be good when it so easy to get tripped up or distracted.
To the standards of the world I’m sure I would be considered a pretty darn good man, but those are not my standards. I don’t compare myself to others. Others always seem to let me down. They are not as strong or perfect as I had thought. And really we’re all only human, but I find I have to be my own kinda role model. I wish to live up to my Lord’s standards. I wish to be as perfect as I can, but I am pulled in by greed, selfishness, lust, anger, and laziness.
It so easy to want and be selfish. Not want to help others, and just want for myself. There are desires that I can’t seem to help. I could blame it on age, being young, stupid, and crazy. Or the world that doesn’t help with all the things they flash in front of us all. Like it should be normal to have lust, but I don’t want to be normal if that is the case. I don’t want to listen to what society says. I learn to control my desires and control my anger. Patience and drive. That helps me to not get lazy, and not fall victim to the sins that would bring me down. Nothing is made easy, but it does make it possible.
I’ve heard it said everybody had their own demons or has a monster in them. I don’t believe this. I believe we are the demons and the monsters. We may be tempted, but our sins are our own. I’m not gonna blame them on something else. I choose to sin, and I choose to fail. I can’t always control the temptations, but I should be able to control my actions. It frustrates me when I can’t seem to help it. Being a good man even when nobody is watching. Living life for others and doing the right thing even when nobody will ever know. For no benefit of my own. The question must be asked who am I when nobody sees.
It’s so hard to fight something that isn’t just there, but is you. I feel like it tears me apart. I want to be good. I want to live my life right, but I am so drawn into the bad. It’s my own private war. There is no serenity when you can’t be one or the other. Though I can’t give up the fight. I won’t give up the fight. I desire to be better. As said in Ephesians 4:23-24 “Now your attitudes and thoughts must be constantly changing for the better. Yes, you must be a new person, holy and good. Clothe yourself with new nature.”
I believe in a God of transformations. Though we may be monster he can make us stronger. I seek out the power of grace and forgiveness. I rise up from the ashes of my own ruins. I will work for perfection. Keeping my actions and my thoughts pure. Though I fail frequently I find hope in a future with a God who make me better. And maybe it’s not about who finishes first or last. It’s about who can finish at all without giving up the morals and honestly claim being a good man and a nice guy.
Part 3: The Constant Failure Available Here
