Hope Part 1: I’m in a War

Introduction to Hope:

I’ve been broken and beaten. Lost and confused. Failed and mistaken. But I’m not yet down for the count because there is always hope. This is a short blog series for me to release of my thoughts and emotions in one of the most trying times in my life. The last days of growing up and the culminating everything I’ve learned from it.

Hope Part 1: I’m in a War

There is a war in my head I can’t seem to avoid. A war that tears my mind apart. I’m struggling to get by. I’m struggling to try. I feel like a failure and I feel like a monster. It’s impossible to focus when you’re in a constant battle with yourself.

I try to be a good man. I try to do what is right, but there are temptations and evil desires that draw me off course. I don’t always feel like a good man. Sometimes I feel like a monster. Sometimes I just want to give up. Sometimes I just want to screw everything I stand for, and enjoy a simpler life, but I can’t. I won’t let myself be that way.

I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I’ve failed often, and every time I do I feel like I have to restart back where I began. I can’t seem to ever get it right. I make it a week and I screw up. I repent my sinful ways and start again. The cycle continues.

So many pressures on my life. People and needs. I try to put my trust in a God who I thought was supposed to help me. I cry out for help. I need a job. I’m running out of options. I have applied to over 200 jobs in the last month and I haven’t had any luck with any of them. I don’t want to go home. I’m just trying to grow up, but all I feel I’m doing is digging deeper into this pit.

I wish I wasn’t so lonely. There’s nobody I feel like I can talk to. I don’t know how to say it. I want to, but I can’t. And everyone has there own problems. Why would they want to be burdened with mine. I know there are people who care, but I can’t seem to tell them that I’m broken.

I’ve wanted to run. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want comfort. I just want to escape, but I can’t. There are things like this and the time is right now that I must stand my ground. Fight the temptations and fight the feelings. Fight the war that rages in my head. I’m not weak and I’m not a quitter, but I haven’t had a moments rest in over 3 months. It’s constant pressure till my brain wants to burst. But I will not surrender cause I’m a survivor. I won’t be defeated.

If this is my path to never succeed and always be drowning I accept it. I will fight the monster that is me. I will fight for what is right and I will continue to try. I will pick myself back up after every failure. I will not let laziness get the best of me. I’m not down and out, not now and not ever. The Lord is on my side and where ever I may wander and whatever trials I may face I will continue on, for there is always hope.

Part 2: Of Good Men and Monsters Available Here

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